There are 2 things that I still really want in my life. These things I feel I've waited so long for. Sometimes they even feel out of reach....like they will never happen. The first thing is to have a teaching job closer to home. I've been a commuter since I moved to the Metroplex. Driving 30+ minutes each way 5 days a week gets old. It makes it hard for me to be involved in certain events at school since I'm so far away. It makes extra duties and activities a chore for me. I want to be closer to home so I can make a bigger investment in what I do without feeling drained and out of time. When I have kids some day, I want to be close to them. I want to be able to attend their events. This is my 7th year in education. I'm grateful for my job and the opportunities that I've been given. I still desire more. I try every year to get closer to home. I try to make new contacts to help me get to where I want to be. Still, no luck. So, what I am doing while I'm waiting for this opportunity to present itself?
I'm trying new things at the position I'm currently in. I'm taking on new responsibilities to build my resume and become more marketable. I'm growing my skills in the classroom. I'm adding to the knowledge and experience I have to become better at what I do. I'm learning to be a mentor. It's hard sometimes. I get frustrated in my situation. Sometimes I feel downright ungrateful for where I'm at and wish for something new. I feel like I just can't take another day. Usually when I feel that way, something or someone reminds me of why I do what I do. I live for those moments. I realize that while I'm waiting for that new opportunity to present itself, I just need to keep doing the best I can do in the situation I'm in. I can continue to pray that God leads me to a new opportunity where I can still be useful. While I'm waiting, there's work to do.
The second thing I feel I've been waiting so long for is the most desired thing in my heart. Motherhood. Even as a young girl, I knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to become a mom in the traditional way. I knew a needed a husband first. There was a time in my life when I thought that desire would never come to fruition. Oh how I cried and despaired over the thought of being alone. When it finally did happen, it happened so fast. I started dating my husband in May 2009, was engaged to him in November 2009, and married by July 2010. Great! Now I have the husband, so let's get to the mom part. This will be easy. Just basic biology and human nature. Boy was I wrong! The first 3 years we struggled with many things in our marriage, including getting pregnant. I wasn't the best wife. I had moments that I was not proud of. Then the summer of 2013 we ended up pregnant...with twins! Our joy was every present. We couldn't be more thrilled. Our joy was short lived, however. Not 2 months after finding out we were pregnant did we find out that I had miscarried both babies. Broken-hearted, frustrated, and angry our struggles continue. When I found out that there was apparently nothing wrong with me and should be able to conceive again, we started trying as soon as we had the green light. We could never get on the same page. When things were going good for him, I seemed to be broken. When I thought I was functioning properly, he was troubled. Was this ever going to happen!? Here we are 2 1/2 years later and still no baby. Friends and family all around me are becoming parents. Sure, I am happy for them. Deep down, there will always be that inner sadness and wondering....why not me?
It wasn't until recently that I decided that while I wait, I need to be proactive and start doing things that are productive. If and when a baby comes into our lives, I don't want to be bombarded with all these "what ifs?" How can I make myself better? What can I do to ensure that I'll be the best mom I can be? It starts by being a good woman and wife. Pray more. God is listening. If I stop asking for my child, it communicates that it's not something I really want. God will listen to my request no matter how many times I ask. He wants me to lean on him. To depend on him. I may not know what His plan is for me, but I know there is one. I need to work on being a better wife. How can I support and encourage my husband? How can we grow closer and have a stronger marriage? We go out on dates. We find things we enjoy and go out and do them. These times will be few and far between when a child comes into our lives. We try to take advantage and appreciate our time together now.
A big thing I realized is that I need to work on me. How can I make myself better? I need to be healthy. My current weight is not ideal for a pregnancy. I don't want to push the 300 pound mark while carrying a child. I don't want diabetes while pregnant, or ever. I don't want high cholesterol or health problems. Now's the time. I'm almost 30 years old. Time to get it together. It's been 2 months since I've made this commitment to myself. Eat better. Exercise regularly. Now I'm down 20 pounds with 20 more to go before I reach my first goal of my pre-pregnancy weight from 2 1/2 years ago. There's nothing standing in my way to a healthier me. I've found an exercise program that works for me. I've found a game changer shake that I enjoy and benefit from. If found things to eat that are good for me and taste great. I found a support system that encourages me every step of the way.
I may wait a few more years, or even the rest of my life for this child. That doesn't mean that I can't be productive in the meantime. We all have a purpose. I can work to be the best I can be in my current situation and learn to be content.
Phillippians 4:11 "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established."
Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us."
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