People pleasing: how many of us are guilty of this? If I could insert an emoji here, I would insert the blonde girl raising her hand. I am extremely guilty of this. I like to be liked. If I feel someone is upset with me, I just can't handle it. I will obsess over it and see what I can do to fix it and make things right again. I don't like when I offend someone either. Sometimes words come out of my mouth and I think, "Was that offensive?" Which then leads me to quietly stalking that person to gauge their attitude toward me and my words. Sometimes that results in me being overly friendly.
Today's reading was about authenticity. Letting go of who you think you should be to embrace who you really are. That is hard for most people. I think I should be liked by everyone. When in reality, there are some people that I'm just not going to be their cup of tea. Boy! That sure is hard for me to accept. I'm a goofy, fun-loving girl. Everyone should like me, right? Well, maybe not. The question is: how to I become OK with that? That is my problem. If someone doesn't like me, I somehow feel that I did something wrong. I know deep down that isn't really the case, but I can't help but think that way. I'm always looking for the solution to the problem. What can I do to win them over? What is is about me they don't like? I'm looking to change to meet their expectations. That causes me to not be authentic. Why should I need to change to make this one (or few) people like me? I'm not being true to myself if I'm trying to please everyone in all things. I can only be just me. I guess I shall have to work on that.
This also makes me think of when I'm in large group settings. Most people think that I am not shy at all. That actually couldn't be further from the truth. I will almost never make the first move when talking or meeting someone for the first time. I know this stems from my younger years when I definitely felt inadequate. I was made fun of constantly as a child. Boys didn't like me. The "cool kids" didn't like me. I had my very small circle of friends. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough because maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I didn't wear the right kinds of clothes. I wasn't skinny enough. The list could go on and on. As an adult, I feel that same little girl inside of me saying, "Don't go over there. They don't want to talk to you." I'm 31 years old and still can't shake that feeling. Even though I know that simply isn't true. Now, as soon as someone breaks the ice with me first, then I'm all good. They've done the hard part. They've let me know I'm worthy of their time. I'm depending on others to let me know when I'm worthy and when I'm not. That is something that I struggle with still. It also manifests itself in classroom or meeting situations with other adults. I very rarely speak out during class discussions or meetings. I have that fear of being perceived as ignorant. If I am very confident in what I have to say, then I will generally speak out. However, if I am even the slightest unsure of myself I won't say a thing. That is a shame since it may very well benefit someone listening.
All this was to say that I am still a work in progress. I'm still trying to figure myself out and work on what keeps me from feeling that I am worthy all the time and my worthiness is not dependent on others.
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