Confessions of an Imperfect Perfectionist #1

There's a book that's been on my "To Read" list for a while, but I've never gotten around to reading it. However, a challenge group I'm part of has started reading it. I thought this was a great excuse for me to buy it and commit to reading it. I struggle getting into nonfiction reading material, but I told myself that I was just going to take the plunge. As I was reading the first few pages (the preface and introduction), I thought I could read a chunk at a time and reflect on my reading here.....

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."

This is the very first line in the book. I immediately grabbed my pen and wrote the word "truth" next to it. We all have our own very unique story. Others may think they know what that story is, but only we know the whole story, and not just the version we show the world. Our story is constantly being written. So often we are worrying about what part of our story we are letting the world see and if it's good enough. We tend to measure our worth by what others think. What we fail to realize is that every part of our story, even all the ugly, makes up our whole person. The person that our innermost circle loves unconditionally. But, do we love that person unconditionally? It's when you stop and think about what that really means you realize it truly is a work of bravery. It is brave to know and accept yourself with ALL your imperfections!

I like to do things right. I often get frustrated when I can't figure something out or when I don't do it right the first time. I know that about myself. I also know that I can be controlling and impatient if I feel those around me can't handle what I need them to handle. I guess sometimes I can very much be in the mindset of "my way or the highway." I know all this about myself. I try to be aware of when I'm acting this way and try to fix it. Here's the thing: if I don't fix it, I don't hate myself over it. I just apologize for my behavior and move on. I know that's how I am. 

If there's an area in my life that I struggle with loving myself, it's in regards to my weight. I've had this struggle all my life. When I start to find myself being unsuccessful, I just give up and spiral out of control. I recently experienced this and am trying to regain that control and move back in a positive direction. I'm currently doing that with my nutrition, but I need to do that with my activity level. I was doing an intense boot camp for the past year. This time last year I was super successful and had built relationships that kept me going. I'm an extrovert, so I get my energy from others. That's what keeps me going. When that disintegrates, so does my drive to succeed. I hate that about myself. That my level of success depends on who's in my corner. I wish I had that intrinsic motivation to be better in these areas of my life. So what do I do? When I'm exhausted or overwhelmed, I need to DIG! That means getting....

• Deliberate in my thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or setting my intentions
• Inspired to make new and different choices
• Going! Take action!!!

How am I doing this? I knew what my intention was: to eat better! Exercise will follow. First, I had to get my eating under control because you just can't out-train a bad diet. I joined Weight Watchers. This has inspired me to make different choices. Can I still enjoy a "not good for me" treat? Sure! I am just super picky about when and what that is. I pay attention to how much I eat and what my body is telling me. Seeing results helps keep me motivated and inspires me to want to do more to see more. I've been taking action! I'm 2 weeks in and doing great.

As the end of the school year is approaching, I'm getting crazy busy trying to finish strong and tie up loose ends. I'm making sure my students are ready for the next grade, making sure I've got all my data and paper work done, and getting my room ready for summer break. I'm tired! I'm learning not to feel guilty about what I choose to do during my free time. I don't have children. I have a husband who is content to do his own thing, even if we are side by side on the couch. If I want to read, I read. If I want to watch TV, then I watch TV. If I want to mindlessly scroll through social media, then that's what I do. If it provides me with a recharge, then I don't need to feel guilty about doing it. 

I look forward to reading more of this book and exploring parts of myself that may be hidden or neglected. How many more things can I underline and comment on? What else will speak to me and my journey at this point in my life? I thought it was funny how the first and last thing I read today from this book spoke to me so much that I felt the need to underline it:

"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

***All quotes and resources came from the book: The Gifts of Imperfection by: Brene Brown.***